Dealing with and understanding a controlling personality

One major issue within marriage that causes at the least marital unhappiness and likely will eventually lead to divorce is dealing with a controlling partner.

Control comes in different forms and causes varying emotions by the spouse being controlled, however, one thing is certain: if it continues, problems will come.

A quote from Marriage Expert Joe Beam:

Time and again I hear from one spouse (usually the wife) about the controlling, angry nature of the other spouse. Maybe some of these statements from others reflect what you feel:

• I find myself thinking “how will he react” before I do anything. I live in fear that whatever I do, say, think, or feel will set him off.
• When he wants me to see it or do anything his way, he keeps on and on until he wears me down and I finally give in. Then he acts like I finally saw the light, but I feel overpowered and frustrated.
• He tells me that I don’t show him the respect he deserves, but it’s hard to respect a man who constantly runs you down and wants to control nearly everything you do
• He expects me to be a great lover and want him all the time, but I can’t go from being treated like a second-class citizen to all of a sudden becoming a sexual siren like he thinks I’m supposed to
• He constantly criticizes me for not building up his ego, but he feels free to tell anyone he wishes what he thinks my flaws are
• He tells me my motives are selfish whenever I do something I enjoy. He has derided me so often that I question myself and doubt myself.
• Can I ever be me again? Will I live my life trying to be whatever he wants me to be, or do whatever he wants me to do?

The bad news is that nothing will change about him as long as you allow him to treat you this way. In a sense you are the child and he is the parent. And not a very nice parent at that. Age may mellow him, but it may not and if it does it will take many years.

In my opinion, you will either live like this until you can’t take it at all and then do something dumb like committing adultery, or you must take charge of your life now. Having lived like this for a while, it’s possible that you will need therapy to overcome your own emotional confusion. You don’t have to divorce him, but you do have to put your foot down and make him face the consequences of his own behavior. If he hits or chokes you, call the police. If you are afraid of serious harm or death, quietly find the folks in your community who operate safe houses for abused women and let them guide you. If he verbally abuses you rather than physically, don’t think that’s okay. Verbal and emotional abuse is destructive and shouldn’t be tolerated. If that continues, you may find it much better to move out, find the spiritual and emotional support you need, and then – if he doesn’t change – move on.

If you are a Christian and fear that you will anger God if you don’t stay and take it, read Ephesians 5 where it says plainly that a husband is to love his wife as Jesus loves the church. This man is NOT doing that. He is failing his responsibility and being a bully, a manipulator, and a threat. In my view you have no obligation to stay with him if he does not get the help he needs to become a very different person than he is now.

I repeat: This is not going to change on its own. The odds of that are extremely low. YOU must stand up, be the adult that you are under all that confusion, and take charge of your life to make it what it should and could be. There are people in your community who can help you. Start with your church. If you don’t find it there, find a church or a center that has counselors or therapists. If you cannot afford that, call your county administrative offices and ask them where to find the help you need. There are people who care and who will stand beside you.

Don’t live like this any longer.

Understanding Controlling Spirits and Dealing with Control or a Controlling Spouse

Have you ever felt that you were being controlled or manipulated by someone? Do you have an excessive fear of being controlled? Do you think that you might be a domineering, controlling person yourself? Do you have a controlling personality? What is the Christian’s response to these questions? Robert Liardon’s book, “Breaking Controlling Powers” deals with some of these questions about controlling personalities.

First of all, not all control is negative control. We need positive control; ie, parents controlling children, governmental laws controlling criminals. But the primary type of control I want to address is negative control, either in the natural realm or in the demonic realm.

There are three principle methods to ensure control.
1. Emotional manipulation (examples: a baby crying to get his way, a boss going into a rage to intimidate an employee, a spouse giving the silent treatment to manipulate the other spouse)
2. Spiritual manipulation (examples: a false vision – for instance, Christ will return in 1988; false prophecies)
3. Word of failure and defeat, unnatural obligation, guilt, criticism, intimidation.
Jesus does not want you to be controlled in a negative manner by anyone. The Pharisees could not control Jesus, Peter or Paul. They all defeated the controlling spirits by being filled with the Holy Spirit. Controlling spirits working through people will try to keep your highest potential from being in God.

How do you know if you are being controlled?
1. If you feel physically drained.
2. If you feel like you are running a race but losing. Controlling people like to get you alone with them so they can program you. The cults use this method. The controller will give you reasons to get away from your pastor, your church and anyone else who might contradict the controller. They will only allow you to be around people with whom they can also control or with whom they know will be sympathetic to their ideas. A controlling person will deny that they are trying to control you and try to make you believe that all of the choices you make are purely your own.
4. If you feel you have lost your vision and you are depressed much of the time.
5. If you fear being controlled. This can be as controlling as actually being controlled. People who fear being controlled have a difficult time in discerning the difference between natural authority and un-natural control.
6. If you are willing to compromise your values to try to please another person.
7. If you “hide” or “run away” from a problem rather than confronting the controller over the situation. People who are controlled often feel they are too “weak” to confront the person controlling them and in their weakness will try to “hide” or “run” away from the problem.

What causes people to become controllers or to have controlling personalities?
1. Hurts and wounds – People get hurt and vow not to get hurt again so they control their whole world.
2. Environment – People who grow up in an atmosphere of control tend to do the very thing they hate when they grow older.
3. Some people just choose to be controllers.
4. Pride
5. Insecurity
6. Laziness

How do you know if you have a controlling personality?
1. If you feel the only way you can be important is to give orders or commands.
2. If you feel possessive toward other people.
3. If you do not let other opinions be voiced or discussed.
4. If you feel jealousy toward a person.
5. If you feel threatened over new relationships a person close to you has or finds.
6. If you are over-protective toward those near you.
7. If you try to dominate every area of a person’s life.
8. If you make plans for the person you control without his/her permission.
9. If you criticize every move and every statement the other person makes.
10. If you think the person you control owes you something, and you demand that he pay you back.
11. If you control people with flattery.
12. If your life totally revolves around nurturing and developing another human being.
13. If you begin having romantic feelings toward someone of the same sex, because the homosexual spirit is a very dominant spirit.

How do you get free from a controlling spirit?
1. Recognize that you are controlled.
2. Recognize how that person controls you.
3. Write down the corrections you will need to make in your thought patterns and actions to prevent control from happening in your life.
4. Remember that being controlled equals idolatry. The person who is controlling you has become your idol.
5. Realize that control is not only a psychological problem, but a spiritual problem.
6. Get counsel on how to be set free or you may over-react.

Read More:

Dealing with Control