Overcoming Control and Controlling Personalities

There are two main reasons for control:

• Fear
• Pride

Fear Based Control:

Many controlling personalities are based on fear even though the controlling individual may have no idea at the time. When you take a step back and ask yourself “Why do I feel the need to dictate or to control this person’s actions or behavior?” many will find that they fear if they do not control the situation, they will lose control of something. Most of the time that something is a spouse or very close friend. You may be afraid that if you do not know where your spouse is at all times or what they are always doing or if they don’t always do it “your way” then you might lose them because you can no longer be in control of that situation.

What people also don’t realize much of the time is that control is the opposite of trust. If you feel the need to constantly be in control of what someone does or wears or where they go, you are showing them and continuing to tell yourself that you do not trust them to make right or good decisions on their own. This lack of trust is detrimental to a relationship, especially within a marriage. Trust is a vital part of each person within the relationship to feel important and trustworthy.

Pride Based Control:

The other main reason why we feel the need to always be in control is PRIDE. No one likes the word and no one wants to have the label “Prideful” attached to his or her name. Pride in a relationship shows an unwillingness to back down. An unwillingness to accept that the other person might be right and that you might be wrong. It also expresses to the controlled individual your lack of trust in them, which can cause feelings of failure, frustration, depression and basically a “I’m not good enough” attitude and you may never even know that they feel that way. Many personalities that will allow you to control them also fail to tell you when you hurt them and make them feel less than they really are. After years of being controlled, eventually the pain and rejection they feel inside that you may have never known was there, will come out. The sight will not be pleasant and the consequences can be overwhelming.

Summary:

The purpose of this information is help you understand the symptoms of a controlling personality so that you can watch out for those situations to arise. It is also to help you understand the consequences of controlling a relationship and the effects that it has on those involved.

The goal of this information is to allow you to see beyond your normal daily way of life and help you to watch out for signs of control and to help you change the circumstance you are in to provide a positive outcome that will develop trust and happiness in your relationship.

Common controlling personalities:

• I’m the head of the household – my word is final; usually male (Pride)
• If I let go of him/her, she may find someone better; male/female (Fear)
• I’m better educated or equipped, I don’t trust your work; male/female (Pride)

Control is a habit to some, a way of life to others. Many controlling personalities don’t ever think about what they are doing. Most don’t realize that they are controlling until they are told. Many controlling people grew up around a controlling lifestyle, where one family member has noticeable dominance over the other.

Control can be broken. It is not a lifestyle that cannot be changed. In fact, I would believe that most people who are controlling in their actions and behaviors want to change, they just don’t know how. Even though you may feel you have control over a situation or person, you don’t like the way you treat them and you would like to know how that overbearing lifestyle can be overcome. I know that’s how it was for me.

The first step is acknowledging that you have a dominating or controlling personality and that you realize your actions or many times simply words are very damaging to those you love the most. When you can humble yourself and accept responsibility for your actions or verbal comments in full, you are on the first and most major step to change. For me and probably for most others, the hardest part to accept is that you are wrong and that your actions are wrong. For those with pride-based control, once you have taken this step in full and are accepting responsibility for your actions, healing is close by.

The second step is confession. For those with pride-based control, this is also a difficult step, but a very important one, crucial to healing and change. A major reason for this step is humility. For men especially, this is sometimes very difficult. We have been shown through movies and TV that men are “macho men” and a quiet or humble man is a wimp. It is for this reason that we have the hardest time truly apologizing for our wrongs to our friends, family and especially our wife and children. What television fails to show much of the time is that men, as the God ordained leader of the family have the responsibility of showing humility to their family and teaching their children to walk in humility. It is through a humble attitude where decisions are made that everyone can be happy with and humility is a huge step where discipline in the household is truly effective. To carry out this second step, you need to go to your spouse first and to others next that have been exposed to or effected by your controlling personality. You must acknowledge your faults, letting them know that you realize this personality is wrong and that you are on the path to change and that you intend to do everything necessary to rebuild the trust that has been lost or damaged. Ask your spouse to be patient with you, but don’t use his/her patience as an excuse for continuing control or the next time you plan to change, they won’t believe you. It is very important that you follow through the first time so that in the future when other areas of your life are in metamorphosis, they will be willing to help you and will believe your sincerity.

The third step is accepting and actually desiring criticism, especially from your spouse. Now this step may at first seem strange and even frustrating at times. Especially when you’re dealing with pride-based control. The last thing you want is the person you’ve been controlling to begin to “control” you or seem that way at least. However, this feeling of losing control is a big step in many areas. The first area is relinquishing the idea that you are the only one who can tell you anything. The second is it gives your spouse who has been controlled the opportunity (with your blessing) to express (maybe for the first time) their true feelings about how the things you do affect them! What a crucial step to overcome! Once you can realize how your actions affect them, you might quickly have a huge desire to change. Many times when a person has been controlled for long enough they shut up within themselves their feelings. You may never have even realized that your spouse felt that way. Very possibly they never opened up to you because they were afraid of how you would react to their honesty or to their criticism. Don’t be surprised if they don’t quite believe you want their criticism. It may take some time for them to honestly believe your willingness to change.

IMPORTANT PIECE TO THIS STEP: When they do point out areas in your life where they have been hurt by something you said or did; don’t get defensive, even if you don’t agree with what they are saying. Accept the fact that somehow it DID hurt them and find out why it hurt them. If you get defensive and argue with them, you will destroy the belief that you do desire to change and to be a better spouse to them. Be humble in listening to their concerns and hurts and accept the responsibility for hurting them. One major way of showing the change in your life or your willingness to change is by accepting in humility the criticism of your spouse and of others.

This step more than anything else will show a true desire on your part to be a better person and will begin to build trust and a deeper love relationship with your spouse that will go far beyond anything you’ve ever had in the past.

The fourth step is changing your reaction to circumstances or situations that bring out the controlling personality within you. What you must remember is that these circumstances will happen and that only you can control how you react to them. Let me emphasize that no one can make you do anything. You make the choice on how you react to the circumstance. How does this tie in to a controlling personality? In most cases, I think you will find that a “controlling personality” is just the beginning step to other issues. A controlling or dominating personality often times paves the way to other abuse. This can be verbal abuse as well as physical abuse. I say other abuse since controlling behavior is in and of itself abusive behavior. While no physical harm is done in simply being controlling or dominant in personality, much damage is being done on the inside of the other person.

To begin the process of a new life and a new way of looking at life and your spouse, start by allowing them to make some decisions. Whether that decision is simply where to go eat or what they want to wear to what to do next Friday evening. Don’t complain if they do or mention something that you don’t like or want. As long as it’s nothing that is offensive or goes against God’s word, then let them do something that they want to do and do it with them with a smile on your face. This will make that time very special to them and they will remember it.

When you begin to feel that fear rise up within you that if you don’t start taking over a situation then you will not get your way (even if your way seems the right way), take a time out. Don’t allow yourself to get to the boiling point. Don’t even get close to exploding or to begin manipulating your way into controlling the situation or person. Remember though, not to let the time out become a quick fix. You still need to deal with the issue, but wait until you are in a more relaxed frame of mind.

Being controlling towards a person, especially your spouse does not always mean not allowing them to do what they want. Controlling behavior often times shows itself by you giving “that look” when they do something you don’t like or approve of. It also comes in constant criticism. I would be willing to bet that you probably don’t even realize how much you criticize the other person. This is one of the easiest methods of control. It is so easy to use that if you begin to catch yourself criticizing your spouse, you will find that you do it on a very consistent basis. You will find yourself criticizing what they bought at the store and how they cook dinner and how they drive. You will probably notice that in almost every area of their life you have at one time or another criticized the way they did it, mainly just because you wouldn’t have done it that way. Again, this is very damaging behavior. This begins to put the “I’m not good enough” attitude within their spirits and you may never realize it’s there until way down the road. This also shows your spouse that you don’t trust them in any situation and that they are never going to be satisfactory to you and will never live up to your expectations.

You are then able to control their actions when they don’t do what they would normally do to avoid being criticized by you or to avoid the feeling of being put down. You will also probably find out later that they may have done things and not told you about it simply out of fear of how you would react. This is a terrible position for your spouse and for you. They don’t feel comfortable telling you things in their life and you end up not know things that maybe you should know about.

Pave a pathway for your spouse to be open and honest with you by not getting upset when they make a mistake, no matter how big. Allow them the same chance to be human that God allows. Let them be free to make mistakes without feeling like a lecture is on the way when you find out. When you begin to show a positive attitude to situations like these, your spouse will truly begin to see the change in you and they will begin to open up and trust you with more about themselves. This too leads to a trusting, deeper love relationship with your spouse.

The fifth step is creating a positive atmosphere around you. This can be done many times simply through positive self-talk. Keep a positive outlook on the things that surround you including your family, job, friends and other daily parts of life. Try to find the good in every situation and put yourself there. Whether you realize it or not, you probably do a lot of negative self-talk. This creates a negative attitude that will make it much easier to get angry quicker. Satan is constantly reminding you of the negatives in situations and people, especially those you are close to. Replace those negative thoughts and feelings with positive thoughts. This step will take time to get used to, but the more you practice, the more natural it will become. Catch yourself when you realize that you had a negative thought and stop yourself by replacing that thought with something positive about that situation or person.

Another important piece to this step is keeping positive words on your lips when you are around others. Never ever talk in a derogatory way about your spouse, either in front of them or away from them. Let your friends and especially your family know how special your spouse is to you and how much your love him/her. It’s hard enough to suddenly become a member of a new family through marriage – help to ease the tension by making your family know that you are positive in your decision to marry your spouse and how much you love him/her. Mistakes that your spouse makes in your private life stay in your private life. Your spouse being the butt of a joke at a family get together may seem funny at first, but let me assure you there is hurt inside. Your spouse needs to feel accepted in your family and they need to know that even if no one else values them, you do.